Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Dear Blogger, last night I dreamed that I was straight up slaying some monsters with my BBs gun. 

These last few days have gotten me thinking about how selfish I am. Last night I watched the Ricky Gervais vehicle Ghost Town (I don't know what "vehicle" means in movie speak, but I have a blog now so I get to call movies vehicles). It was your pretty standard women love being stalked rom-com. But it did have this incredible ground-breaking premise that grumpy old Ricky Gervais died for a few minutes and then could see dead people. Oh gosh then he learns how to be a good person by helping them and the dead people go to heaven! yay! Then he stalks a lady but, you know, romantically.

It did have this part where Ricky Gervais and chief dead guy Greg Kinnear talked about whether people could really change and it got me all introspective. Rat has been out of town for the past few days, rattin around in the dirt for her job, and instead of working my butt off I've just kind of been lazing around and playing video games. To be fair I did get a fair amount of work done. I finished my first print:

my first print!

And I did a fair amount of work learning how to print and price the damn thing. But I really didn't do very much work. I mostly just played video games and hung around. The first two weeks of me leaving my job I busted my ass, even this last weekend I put in two 12 hour days, but these last few days I really just treated like a vacation. And it's not. Rat is giving up so much of her life so that I can do this, the least I can do is really work hard. Also I don't pet my dog enough, which is pretty selfish as well (seriously, he's pretty lazy and doesn't seek a lot of attention but sometimes I do think that I just treat him like a stuffed animal--that I only give him attention when I want doggy time).

It's weird thinking about how leaving my job has changed me, and whether those changes are permanent or just some kind of freak-out about dropping everything. I was at that job for so long, and depressed and miserable for so long, that I fell into a lot of bad habits. And I'm starting to realize that these habits weren't just things I did, but ways that I thought. One of the big ones I think has been this idea that I deserve me-time. Every day when I came home from work and started drinking and playing video games it was all premised on the fact that I was so miserable from work that I needed to decompress. I think I let myself fall back into that thinking this week, this idea that I worked so hard the past few weeks, and especially the weekend, that I deserved a couple of days to just do whatever. But I'm not at work anymore, I'm not depressed or miserable anymore, and I don't need "me-time." Everything about this project, and all the sacrifices that Rat has made, has been about making my entire life me-time. "Me-time" isn't me-time anymore, it's just laziness (and scare quotes).

God, Ozzy just left this grossest most lingering fart next to me. Seriously he left the room like a minute ago, and it just started stinking up the place.

Anyway, it's weird thinking about change (maybe Ricky Gervais can make a run-of-the-mill movie about that!). I think we both expected that I would just change automatically once I quit this job, and while I have in a bunch of ways, I have to confront the ways that I haven't and be honest with myself (and my adoring audience).

Also I backslid a bit on the drinking. Nothing nearly like the Tuesday fiasco, 2-3 drinks two of the nights and then a bit more when a friend came over, but definitely stupid in light of the fact that we aren't buying any more booze for pretty much ever so I need to save what we have left.

This post has a lot of hyphens in it, but less parentheticals so... progeress?